27 August 2011- Back in Glasgow...

My heart hurts today.
Dreamed of E again last night but as more of an arrogant hunk than he ever was in real life- tossing his waist length curly locks. He wasn't interested. I don't know why he haunts my dreams like this.
I been thinking about that attraction. Some part of me misses it; longs to be the Groupie again. I want to be Columbia, want to be Harley, want to have a dark and dangerous boy to lead me astray. To leave the world behind and break the law, uncaring what the world thinks, only listening to our own hearts and loins. To be Bonnie and Clyde.

But then there's the other side of me-the side that's always been lurking but that creeps to the surface more and more. The part that wants to be aloof and slick, androgynous and mysterious. To have a twinkle in my eye that makes beautiful women fall at my feet.

I want to BE the dangerous boy.

So what does one do when you are a 38 year old housemum who dreams of being Clyde, not Bonnie?
I wake up and look in the mirror and see what I have been given, or rather what I have been left to work with...and I die inside again.
Once more I resolve to do the best with all the good things I have: a loving husband; an amazing child; a roof over my head; my health; some wonderful friends. And I hope once again those things can all make up for my not having myself.

I am now (just) past the age that Lucy Jordon was when she climbed naked onto her roof, driven mad by being trapped as a wife and mother. I hope her unlived dreams are sustaining her now in her white room.
I wish I could send her some flowers...

Ugh, what a horrid couple of weeks- Lula has been sooo ill and every second has been stressful. Brief joy of Al being home(for less than 48hours) was tarnished by my having a horrendous sore throat and Lula coughing her guts up every couple of hours for the last 3 nights. I went from sleeping in our bed, to her bed ( Al's snoring), to downstairs on the sofa (waiting for painkillers to kick in)to back to ours sitting up cradling Lula to try to ease her coughing. I feel so otherworldly I can hardly conceive that I've just said Goodbye to Al again for another 3 weeks : (
I've fed Lula a super early dinner so I can hopefully bath and bed her waay early and am praying I will get a decent sleep tonight and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to deal with the world!

Lula just agreed to play upstairs in her room so I could get the downstairs tidy. 15 mins later she called me from the stairs to say she had some paint on her. I cannot describe what she looked like- I have had to throw away what she was wearing(thankfully only a vest, pants and longjohns). When I saw her room it was so bad I actually had an asthma attack. Pools of black and purple paint, water jar tipped over, all the paint bottles open on their sides and spilling out. Then a row of little black footprints leading through our room to the bathroom- via some handprints on the cream bedroom wall and all the doors- to the bathroom where the sink/floor/a towel were completely drenched in purple painty water.
Her reply? "At least I took my Rapunzel dress off"
All I could do was strip her and shower her down, then put her downstairs while I sat on the bed and wept. I feel totally exhausted. I don't think I can do this alone anymore : (

Edinburgh is our Paradise Falls.
I keep waiting for the day when we'll move here but every time something 'more important' gets in the way. When Al was in KP we couldn't because they were based in Brum...Then he left but had to stay Midlands for next band...Then we stayed for Candy Box...Then we had Lula and couldn't move with a wee baby but said we'd go before she started school. Now she starts school in 7 months and Imelda is doing too well to change situ...We can never QUITE afford it....
But now Imelda is doing well we have some money and Al is on tour all the the time, WHEN is gonna be The Time To GO?

...I just can't help but feel I'll be looking at my old photos of memories here when I'm on my deathbed and think...Oh, we never did do it...Maybe the time has come to move on and stopping waiting for The Dream to happen.

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans..."

Well, here we are...

Just thought I would try this as a way of recording my thoughts... more to come soon.